OPERATION FLATLAND CONQUEST – MISSION REPORT - HIKES IN NORFOLK
- Ben Woodier
- Nov 23, 2024
- 3 min read
Subject: Reconnaissance and Survey of Alleged Elevated Terrains that surround hikes in Norfolk.
Mission Lead: Explorer Ben Woodier
Objective: Identify, assess, and report on Norfolk’s alleged high points and other geographic anomalies.
Mission 001: Nowhere (or What’s Left of It)
Objective: Locate the historical site of "Nowhere" to assess for potential elevation or remaining landmarks.
Summary:Nowhere, a once-functional medieval salt production hub, has deteriorated into exactly what its name implies: a wet, featureless marsh. Initially referenced in the Domesday Book and tied to the salt trade, Nowhere thrived until refrigeration made its existence redundant. Modern reconnaissance confirmed zero infrastructure, population, or vertical geography. Not even the faintest sign of a mound could be located.
Findings:
Elevation: Nil.
Historical Significance: Salt trade and medieval relevance now submerged—literally and figuratively.
Current Status: Damp disappointment, but excellent for testing waterproof boots.
Mission 002: Wiveton Downs – Norfolk’s Almost Esker
Objective: Survey and document the Blakeney Esker for geological and topographical potential.
Summary:Standing at an awe-inspiring 69 meters, Wiveton Downs offers sweeping views of… flat fields. A remnant of glacial activity, the esker is composed of sand and gravel deposited by retreating glaciers during the Ice Age. Unlike its bolder counterparts in Cumbria or Scotland, Norfolk’s glacier had a clear lack of ambition.
Findings:
Elevation: 69m ASL (laughable).
Geological Significance: Textbook esker formation; good for geologists, uninspiring for climbers.
Current Status: The site serves as a humble reminder of what could have been, had Norfolk’s glacier tried harder.
Mission 003: The Great Barrow, Weasenham (Not one of the great hikes in Norfolk)
Objective: Investigate Bronze Age barrow for historical and topographical relevance.
Summary:The so-called “Great Barrow” is a Bronze Age burial mound, where early inhabitants evidently stacked their dead to compensate for Norfolk’s lack of hills. Officially designated as a Scheduled Monument, it’s little more than an overgrown lump of shrubbery now, chiefly of interest to local rabbits.
Findings:
Elevation: Marginal (1-2m above the surrounding field).
Historical Significance: Early engineering feat rooted in desperation.
Current Status: A bell barrow whose grandeur lives only in its name.
Mission 004: East Barsham Railway Tunnel – The Hill That Wasn’t
Objective: Reconnaissance of Norfolk’s sole attempt at railway tunneling and resultant landform modifications.
Summary:Once upon a time, there was a hill, and in that hill, Norfolk ambitiously attempted to carve a railway tunnel. However, due to inferior construction materials (red bricks susceptible to frost), the structure failed catastrophically. The solution was classic Norfolk ingenuity: erase the hill.
Findings:
Elevation: Negative (hill was completely removed).
Engineering Significance: Norfolk’s most ambitious infrastructure failure to date.
Current Status: A rare man-made valley bordered by an embankment made of the hill’s remains.
Overall Summary:
Man-Made Mountain Feasibility: None of the surveyed sites offer sufficient elevation to serve as a foundation. East Barsham demonstrates local willingness to destroy hills rather than preserve them.
Historical Preservation: Sites like Weasenham Barrow hold value only for niche historical interests or the rabbit population.
Further Reconnaissance: Additional investigation required to locate any remaining geological oddities, but expectations remain low.
Closing Remarks:Norfolk remains an uncompromisingly flat expanse. Each mission has provided useful insights into the county’s geography, history, and ongoing battle against topographical irrelevance. No mountains were found, but the quest continues, fueled by hope and an unhealthy obsession with elevation.
Mission Status: Ongoing.
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